ReLife : A Journey to Beat Depression

Chester Bennington death have a huge impact on my life. Not because I am one of his fans, but because it awakening awareness in me. That even a great man can be knocked down by depression.

While his tragic decision blow me, my friends treats the news indifferently. They said Chester lack gratitude. I agree that he surely has everything that seeks by many: a loving family, fame and fortune. However, that not how depression work. You don't need to miss a single beat in life rhythm to fall in depression hole.

Depression is an invisible wound. It getting bigger every day. Consume your soul, affect your body, tears you from inside. It hurts. Yet, you can't explain why. You can't even point where exactly it hurt. You just feel it. When it becomes unbearable and you seek help from the others, suddenly you are a drama queen. They said it's just in your head. They don't get it. Unfortunately, so is you.

Having depression is like having a nightmare while you wide awake. Your head constantly in chaos. One second you don't give a damn, then in the blink of eyes you become oversensitive. Even one lame joke from your friend can bring you down. Most of times you don't want to wake up since everything in your life seems wrong. Still, you don't even have will to fix it. You're doing nothing in the present, but waste to much time wondering what will you do if you can turn back times. Above all, in spite of desperately want somebody to help, you cut off everyone.

I know that because I am one of many who have been struggling with depression. Some people will not believe that I who live a carefree life deal with depression. You know, some of us is good at putting up a facade.

Back then, I assume I turn to this state because my life is a mess. I constantly trapped between feeling of regret and fear of future. Some bittersweet memories mixed with cynical comments about my way of life had made it worse. I feel so worthless as human being, all the things I do is meaningless. I just want to disappear. God know how this f*cking depression has tempt me to commit suicide so many times. The only reason I do still alive is merely because I am a coward.

Nevertheless, I keep hoping that maybe, when life is much easier I will miraculously free from this hell. I just need to sit back and wait. Waiting for situation to change, somebody comes to my rescue, days to become better. I do nothing but grit my teeth and bear it.

Suddenly, Chester proves that you can be success and depress in same time. Being someone who have it all doesn't mean you immune from depression. Now I know, even when I am lying in bed of roses, depression still have power to strangled me to death. It finally hits me that the one who will rescue me is my own self and the time to do something is now. I can't waiting for somebody else since there is nobody, but me. 

The first act I do is log out from my social media accounts. I need to sort my mind. Social media has distract me from seeing what really matters in life. In fact, it makes me awfully care about trivial things. At the beginning, I thought it will be hard since I used to have social media addiction. However, after passing more than two weeks without social media at all, I don't even feel the urge to log in again.

Alongside the way, I keep myself being busy. I try to draw away myself from negativity with learning something new, like brain gym, sewing, doodling and cooking. I am determined to love myself more and thought that the best way to do that are to be proud of my reflection. I start with using skincare regularly, exercising, planning my diet, and read articles about style. It's fun. It makes me realize that I still have a lot of things to catch on. Praying and unroll my yoga mat ease me in the process.

As for my traveling journey, I let go of my ambitious goal to reach Banten before the end of this year. I am now stayed in Jogjakarta, one of the most coziest cities in Indonesia. I thought that calm atmosphere of this city will be able to help me relax. Nowadays, rather than rush to every beautiful landscapes, I prefer strolling around my neighborhood. Countless times I walk too far and get lost. It was good though, since I will be too tired when I finally get my way back home. There is no energy left to be depress.

I can't say I have everything under control. My step is unsteady. Sometimes I need to drag myself when I found me back to my gloomy mood cave. There is also no drastic changing in me. Well, I am not a fictional character who suddenly become a total babe just by ditch her glasses. Nonetheless, I am willing to take things slowly.

The reason I write this note beside for self therapy is because I want to tell to those ignorant people that, depression is not same with ingratitude. Don't you agree that say, "The hell you can't breathe! There are loads of air in here!" to someone who have an asthma attack is cruel?

I also wish you start to care for your circle more. Look up your close friend who daydreaming a lot, or your beloved one who sleeps excessively. You will never know which one of them is fighting suicidal monster without paying attention. Be there for them. I know that dealing with people with depression isn't easy task, but a little pat in their back won't kill. And for you who still trying hard to kick that monster ass ... you won't give up, won't you?